Movies that Suck

“Independence Day” sucked, yes it did

Here’s the thing about Independence Day, I go up to my esteemed co-cine-phile film scholars, a demographic of friends who deeply enjoy pensively analyzing complex films like Citizen Kane or Darjeeling Limited or crazy deep shit like that, and in trying to stir up a fun rantin’ I ask them “what’dju think of Independence Day?” all the while knowing their going to side with me; HOWEVER, to my great surprise they for some reason say something along the lines of “I liked it”

!

I apparently am a lonely part of some small underground group of people that do not like Independence Day, other members of which I have yet to find. If you are reading this and you think Independence Day sucked, contact me some how cuz I feel like a lonely loser :(……but im proud!

Anyways, let me outline the guidelines of our little Anti-Independence Day clan:

First Clause: the Characters are totally unbelievable to the point that its annoying

  Now I’m not in the airforce, but if I was, and I saw this movie, I would be like “hey!” 

According to this film, the pilots of the United States Air Force are a bunch of frat boys, who when briefed on what is the most important mission in the history the human species, one of the pilots goes “oh! hold me!”………..like a douche I might add. I’ve never been in a briefing room, but I figure they at least take their jobs, which involve life and death and serious focus and discipline to separate the two, somewhat seriously. And that line wasn’t even that funny. >:( But at least the filmmakers were consistent in keeping all the characters equally unbelievable. 

So, somehow the USAF, being apparently bunch of douches, runs out of pilots but has plenty of planes to hand out. Hey! Crazy redneck! Can you fly things with wings?! Awesome! Get you’re crazy alien-abducted ass over here! America needs a hero! I think its amazing how while this movie came out in 1996, the filmmakers were able to make a reference to the Presidential Elections of 2000; the aliens probably informed them of the future. Anyways, that scene was stupid, but I guess if they’re willing to trust “oh! hold me!” with a complex multi-million dollar weapon system that flies and has the capability to destroy hundreds of people with the push of a button, why not the crazy redneck?!

SECOND CLAUSE: IT JUST SUCKED! OKAY

There was a serious scene, so they put a joke in it. There was a funny scene, and they tried to sneak in some kinda serious thing. Aliens invade the world, and the gay guy’s like “I have to call my mother” in a seemingly comical way. They need a serious looking scientist, they cast Jeff Goldblum. “I hope they bring Elvis back!” amidst the Empire State building blowing up. A DOG does the bruce willis/trinity/a lot of awesome actions movies-leap-of-epicness-away-from-an-exploding-thing-behind-them.…………………Did they think they were being creative in taking a classic action move and making a dog do it? It looked like Pee-Wee Herman in a fight scene, or Jackie Chan in a really intense romance scene, or Mr.Roger playing a lawyer, or these recent family films the Rock has been “cookin”, or like a dog doing the leap of epicness away from the explosion. It looks so weird its just funny. 

That leap is a Hollywood cliche, having a dog do it is like making an Alien movie that tries to be funny and serious and realistic at the same time! and i didn’t like it.